Just don't fall in love with me... Promise?
Of course.
-------------------
of course, we fall in love.
-------------------
that was almost seven years ago. When depression and anxiety and real PTSD took over. after my transplant.
i've never actually stated what i did to myself or to others...but it would probably help, if there was some background.
-------------
it was ninth grade, my first year of high school. Wellesley High School. I had all my friends, I took latin, history, english2, literature, study, child life. Art, music history, GYM! Everything! everything was amazing, I was popular..all was going great! Until, the day before thanksgiving break. A tenth grader , Jenny, took her life, committed suicide. Hanging herself in the shower. We all left school early that day.
And that day changed my life, too.
I couldn't comprehend why she would do that. How selfish, I had thought. Leaving her mother to find her dangling corpse. Her room to never be touched. Her wonderous beauty to never be kissed. I felt like she let the whole town down.
------------------------
so, I wouldn't eat, sleep, talk...to anyone. All I was was depressed. And then I started cutting with lancets, or tacs. Popping my wrist veins. Screaming and flipping out at my childrens' transplant doctor. I would cut right in front of my mom and grandma. Psych ward after psych ward. Program after program.Relapse after relapse.
--------------------
Sometimes, I actually wanted to die. Somedays I wanted attention. Some days I was clinically depressed.
-------------------
When I took the overdose of klonopin, I wanted to hear or know my mom loved me.... But also to be sick again. And I felt that i was backed into a wall.
----------------------------------------
Depression speaks in many ways. Too many ways.
--------------------------
Je veux ton amour. I see our love.
Et je'veux ta revanche.I want my revenge.
Je veux ton amour. I see our love.
Jamais de nouveau. Never again.
No comments:
Post a Comment