orgasmic rain life!

perfect this
perfect that
i don't give a shit no more....
except....
i'm living for ME!
this crazy beautiful life
of mine
in an orgasmic rain shower
no acid rain no more, baby
no charcoal cough syrup
fuck that!
no more absolutley nothing...
no more .....
slashes on each damned wrist....
health better be mofo good!
nice piercings for my nose....
my industrial,
four tats...
mad drinks at the bar...
sex on fire!
don't give me shit!
this is my orgasmic rain life!

a slash on each damned wrist

a drip
a drop
it tips
i top
      ple over.ave been roommates....uck.....
shit....
i remember...!
           ha
                    if you had slit your wrists.....we could h....

rock a bye baby on the tree top....
when the bow breaks the cradle will.....
F
  A
      L
          L!


but really were.....

I want
to
tell
my
"mom"
I LOVE YOU!
never
   again....
no more slashes on each damned wrist!
     never a fucking gain!

*well behaved girls rarely make history*

every day, i wake up, look up, stand up, and say "wow"!
this is because i don't want to sound rude, but, "everyone loves me so much" and i'm a strong female, so i don't need permission... and well, well behaved girls rarely make history!
i love myself! i'm beautiful, and smart, like, as Elaine says, if i wasn't hospitalized so much i'd be in Harvard! i finally believe it!
i also love how... i learned that while having sitters my age, i'm friggin' regular.... !
I AM NORMAL!
and have intelligent conversations.... of course i still get anxious... but it's whatever...that's part of me!
i'm an amazing person!
and have an amazing life!
i can kill with my eyes, and kiss with my heart!
i love red heads!
i am bisexual...
i have a boyfriend/fwb :p
(he is my age, and i know him from school)
my favorite place in the world is my grandma's old house in wellesley....
my best friends include, grandma, nicole, and kaleigh..
sometimes i feel alone, even when i have everyone....
but "everyone does sometimes"...
i remember my dreams from the MICU because i want to!
i believe in the things I do, because I can!
and i'm not afraid to always be true to myself....
and I Am Damn Proud!

wordplay foreplay

every day i sit and stay,
lets play with clit today,

every where i go i see cocks
in jocks...

every time i look around...
i make heads spin "down town"

every way anyway...
gotta have it MY WAY!

Dear Mr. President,

Dear Mr. President,
Thank you for being this country's president. Thank you for being my president. You are deffinetley the best one in my lifetime! (which isn't hard)....You don't lie or cheat, gamble or drink. You don't start wars and only try to do things with violence when neccesary. We need more people like you in this world and especially this country
Honestly, I have no idea why I'm writing this...I had a conversation with a woman, who has come to America from Kenya; she adores you as well. But for different reasons, than I do. We both know you're very smart and have a good family, and really want  to do the right things for America. I bet it's hard being president of this country. More so than other counties' presidents. Basically because half of the people are for you, and the other half are not. And the "tea partiers" are just silly. You were put into the presidency, by America, because we believe in you! I believe in you! And obviously, you believe in yourself so much so, that you did make it into presidency.
Again, not quite sure why I'm writing this, but maybe because of all the people, I trust you the most. I mean, my life is in your hands... (no pressure).
Sincerley, Amanda C.

Death Be NOT Proud

In life, there are two ways to go...the good (angelic) or the bad (devilish).NOT
In talking with Rabbi Ben Lanckton, after my clear suicide attempt, I learned that God loves you. But thats not a good reason to die, but the best possible reason not to die! To live, breath. Five senses. I mean, the more I think about what happeneed the less I realize it was a "big flippin' mistake" and learn and move the hell on.org! But, seriously, I could've died. And you, I, a person should never be proud of death. In any way. In murder,suicide (be it attempt or not), anything. Death be not proud. Death always tries to overule things in books and movies, stories, etc. But in actuality, death will never rule over anything, except point blank;death.
So if it's bad to die....wait....as I was taught, only yesterday, it's not bad to die, but it's bad to kill. And suicide even an attempt is a part of killing.
I know that there truly is the love of loving yourself, is most important. Treat yourself as if you are the innocent baby you were born as. And that everyday, when you shower, you cleanse your body of the upset and "bad" of the day.
And remember, Death Be NOT  Proud!

Mad World

October 4, 2010. I got up, like usual and went to work. When I got home, I was coughing and wasn't hungry for dinner. I had a fever of 102 degrees feranheit.
(I actually don't remember any of this but I have been told all of this)
My mom called an ambulance and I went to Mass General Hospital.

When I awoke, I was in the intensive care unit. (ICU). I had a tube in almost every place a tube could go. My brain felt foggy. It felt like I lived in some sort of alternate universe. I had no idea where, when or why I was in an ICU.
I was finally taken to an actual hospital floor. While in this hospital stay, I learned a few things.
1. I had stopped breathing and was on a ventelator.
2. I was in the ICU for two weeks.
3. My fever had gone up to 105.5
4. Many of the doctors did not think I would make it.
5. I was paralized while in the ICU, asleep.

When I was sleeping I had the strangest dreams. Some of my dreams were that I slept on a cot in the hospital basement.
Another was that my nurse had put me and my bed on the porch and let me watch a movie. (clearly there is no porch on the seventh floor of MGH). One stranger dream, was that I woke up in a barn with chickens running around my bed; then I woke up in my grandmothers old house, which I actually did ask my nurse if I was in a hospice.

While in the regular hospital floor, I could barely move. I couldn't touch my finger to my nose. I had to be fed because everything was too heavy for me. Including a plain metal spoon! I got physical therapy and occupational therapy. I had to use one of the lifts that picks you up and puts you in a chair. Finally I got to a walker. I also graduated from bed pan to kamode. And sponge bath to shower chair with help.
I still felt so weak. I could barely stand. I could not walk or bend down. Then I was transfered to Spaulding Rehab in Boston.

There I was tested to see my strengths and abilities. Physically and mentally/emotionally. I am most likely going home Friday. While I have been here, I have learned I had ICU miopothy. Which means that all of my muscles were so weak that I couldn't use them. This was from being paralized and having such a high fever. I have also relearned to walk with nothing assisting me. I can go up stairs and my hip and arm strength is getting amazingly better, amazingly quickly.
My doctors and therapists are amazing as well. I still get out of breath quickly and dizzy while walking. But that's getting better too. I'm getting help here studying for a test coming up for me. I have a therapist, who I trust and connect with; as well as can and will take me as an outpatient. I have a "coach" who I love and helps me with my self respect and self understanding. I also adore my occupational therapist.
When I leave I will go to outpatient Spaulding Rehab in Wellesley. I will also get a visiting nurse.
Every night before I go to bed, I watch The Breakfast Club, listen to my three favorite songs: Humans by The Killers, Landlocked Blues by Bright Eyes, and of course Mad World by Fears for Tears from the movie Donnie Darko.

Honestly, my mind still races, and goes faster than my body can move. I still feel scared that "the other shoe is about to drop", but I feel like a cat. Because cats supposedly has nine lives, and I feel the same way. After all I've been through I am still resilliant and strong. Of course, I still wonder why I am alive sometimes, but I am trying to think of all of the reasons I'm still alive.


" and I find it kind of funny
and I find it kind of sad
that the dreams in which I'm dieing
are the best I've ever had,
and I find it hard to tell you
and I find it hard to say,
it's a very very mad world,
Mad World." 


"we're all bizzare, some of us are just better at hiding it then others"- Andrew Clarke- The Breakfast Club.

It is November 7. I am leaving on the tenth. I am nervous but I'm also way too excited for words.
It's strange that this whole ICU/ MGH/Rehab setting has gotten me thinking so much. I think about a lot of things... Mostly I think of my independence. Soon I will have my own ride. The nurses and other staff are helping me to make a chart for me to remember to take all of my 17 medicines! (mostly for my heart). I already have a job. But I can't wait to be back at Mass Bay Community College... Then go to either Warren- Wilson in North Carolina or Wheelock College in Boston.
I want to study elementary reading and writing in special education. I want to be a reading and writing specialist in an elementary school for children with learning disabilities.
I also want to write a memoir. Not so much to tell what I've been through, but because I like to write.
I'm reading a book titled, The Brain That Changes Itself. Just by the title it is sort of obvious what the book is about. But really, there's much more than that in the book. It is about neuroplasticity and how the brain can relearn something or it can learn something in a different place in the brain than where it original was. The book has short stories of cases about people who have all different sorts of brain problems. I'm learning a lot.
Another thing I'm learning is to accept people more and more. If you read this, you're probably thinking, with all the medical problems I have how could I not accept people? But the thing is, I'm a person too and have many faults and opinions. Plus, I'm just now starting to accept myself, nevermind others. Although I usually do accept others more than myself.
You never know someone's situation until you know their situation. For example, I had a roommate who had night terrors and a "sitter" (which is someone who sits in the room so that the person they are watching will not hurt themselves or others. But, I was thinking, I can't deal with this... I've already been through this... What a crazy freak! But then I talked to my "coach" and only yesterday when I talked to her mother and found about her actual problems, that I felt so badly. I was like, how could I have had such awful thoughts about someone when I can understand, mostly, what is going on with this poor girl.
Then there is the other side that is even people with big houses and "perfect" lives don't actually have or feel that, "I'm perfect" feeling all the time. Even if they are trying to make a wall around themselves to not show their problems to anyone.
It really is a mad world... Because if everyone in the whole world put their problems in a huge pile and we all saw them, we would take our own right back!
"it is a very mad mad world"


"i'm not a nymphomaniac, i'm a compulsive lyer.."-Allison- The Breakfast Club
So, August 10, 2011.
Another year, another day.
Another thing in every way.
I did just write 1.
Not 2. 
But 3 is this.
They all make sense.
They are all true, but sometimes the stories are sugar coated to you.
Not right now, not anymore.
When I get to Respite here's what's in store-
I will be independent.
Making healthy meals.
Spending money wisely.
Buying my own things.
Anxiety will be like everything else in my life, overcome.
I will move to a college dorm or il group home.
I shall have more hurdles,
But just get on my horse and jump!


"And we think its ridiculous that you want us to spend the day letting you know, who we think we are.... I mean, what do you care? Because we all learned that each one of us is a brain, an athlete, a basket case, a princess and a criminal."-The Breakfast Club"

Burnt Eyeliner, Bleeding Mascara

Independent! On my own! Out of group homes and respites! Away from illness, my family. My mom! I can drive and hail cabs! I have a part time teaching job. But I also have a journaling job. And was just found by the New York Times. They ask me to write a story on life. My life. I take the job.
I start out by my brainstorming....as I usually would. But then, I'm going with writing "stream of conciously". As my story takes place I also decide to write it in letter form to MGH.
Here it goes-
Dear MGH,
I am living in New York City on a high rise around 7th Avenue. You turned my life around. Well, helped me turned my life around. I talk to my friends at our weekly book club and ritual lunch. I have a boyfriend, who is my age. And works in the journaling office that I work in. My teaching job is an art therapy teacher for pre-schoolers through third grade! It is so much fun. -----------
My letter goes on.
 It's published in the New York Times as expected. I then become a journalist editor, and eventually move on to publish a trilogy anthology of my edited works and journals throughout my life. I win the Nobel Book Peace Prize, for my trilogy entitled, Burnt Eyeliner, Bleeding Mascara- The stories, poems and honest life of a quirky girl on the mend.

So, I never become a teacher, or a Rabbi... but I teach through my writing...help teens and young adults, teachers, doctors, nurses, and most importantly myself.

we only live once, so live it up!

Why can't I dance in the rain?

bask in the sun?

get tattoos of a Hamsa hand, a fairy, the words "every action has an equal and opposite reaction", "and for the tiniest moment its all not true", "i am not a robot", "in this breath, i am safe" and Alice Peltin with a heart around it. Alice is my grandma.

get cRuNK.

run as far as I can and never come back.

chill with my friends

lay in the grass and make animals out of the clouds.

lay in the grass at night and see all the stars until dawn arrives.

rekindle an old friendship.

love my lover.

 go to college.

go to grad school.

never become ill again.

live life day to day.

never want to  die.

let my spirit live forever!

n/a

This may sound silly.
This may sound dumb.
But everyone here is right and you are wrong.
You don't know how hard it is to say this.
You don't know how hard I've tried.
But living with you (right now) would be living a lie.
I can't live my life for you anymore.
It's my turn.
I am not a robot.

Je veux ton amour. Et je'veux ta revanche. Je veux ton amour.

Just don't fall in love with me... Promise?
Of course.
-------------------
of course, we fall in love.
-------------------
that was almost seven years ago. When depression and anxiety and real PTSD took over. after my transplant.
i've never actually stated what i did to myself or to others...but it would probably help, if there was some background.
-------------
it was ninth grade, my first year of high school. Wellesley High School. I had all my friends, I took latin, history, english2, literature, study, child life. Art, music history, GYM! Everything! everything was amazing, I was popular..all was going great! Until, the day before thanksgiving break. A tenth grader , Jenny, took her life, committed suicide. Hanging herself in the shower. We all left school early that day.
And that day changed my life, too.
I couldn't comprehend why she would do that. How selfish, I had thought. Leaving her mother to find her dangling corpse. Her room to never be touched. Her wonderous beauty to never be kissed. I felt like she let the whole town down.
------------------------
so, I wouldn't eat, sleep, talk...to anyone. All I was was depressed. And then I started cutting with lancets, or tacs. Popping my wrist veins. Screaming and flipping out at my childrens' transplant doctor. I would cut right in front of my mom and grandma. Psych ward after psych ward. Program after program.Relapse after relapse.
--------------------
Sometimes, I actually wanted to die. Somedays I wanted attention. Some days I was clinically depressed.
-------------------
When I took the overdose of klonopin, I wanted to hear or know my mom loved me.... But also to be sick again. And I felt that i was backed into a wall.
----------------------------------------
Depression speaks in many ways. Too many ways.
--------------------------
Je veux ton amour. I see our love.
Et je'veux ta revanche.I want my revenge.
Je veux ton amour. I see our love.
 Jamais de nouveau. Never again.

HELP!

help. inspired by the tough times of the sixties. Through drug wars and mind wars.
Now it's my war.
My war against body and mind.
Friend and foe.
i'm confused.
entangled in a web of being so sick that my mind was scared to move forward.
to move to a place of happiness.
i've always had love;
for me to me with me towards others.
i want to learn to love myself.
anyday anytime.
i miss life. it's likee i get small glimpses of what REAL life is!
and then, in a black flash it disapears.
I say it's my war....
fighting the ways of my old and "supposed" new life...
we all miss being children, with no real care or wonder...
but what i really miss is being a grown up.
help.

Off the beaten path

I swing my stick down the dirt road,
Back and forth
Back and forth
 My rain boots covered in mud,
From the undried rain of yesterday
The earth speaks to me through it's wind whipping my face,
this way and that
until it almost knocks me down,
This possessive wind pushes me to the fork in the road...
I'm off the beaten path,
No railway
No car tire tracks
Just me, my stick behind me and wet,mud covered rain boots.

...

Wandering empty streets

In slippers and a daze

Street lights going off,

it's a war zone in my mind,

Every person stops to stare

To see where I am going...

They know exactly who I am,

They just don't know how to stop me

 

Wandering the rose gardens 

I have no idea who I am

Or why I was put here?

Living from time to time

Day to day

Second to second...

In my slippers and my nightingcap,

My brain is fighting overload

My teeth are chattering

My palms are sweaty.

And my heart is open....

all about me...

Have you ever made out with someone you weren't dating?

 yes...

Is there a difference between the word 'best friend' and 'friend'?

obviously! KI have tons of friends, but only two "best friends", Kayla and Nicole.

Has anybody on your top ever admitted to liking you?

wtf?

Do you miss anyone ?

my cousin, Alice, Q, and Kaleigh.

Can you recall the last time you sincerely liked someone?

yes, right now! And he likes me back!

When is the last time someone of the opposite sex gave you a hug?

um....two days ago! Peteeeee!

Who is your celebrity crush?

 Marina D'Amico and Nicholas Cage. 

Can you touch your toes?

yes.

Do you know anybody who was abused?

 yes, its wrong, but its really hard to stop it....:(

Do you take walks often?

 i am starting too!

Is silence really golden?

no silence is an adjective and golden is a verb.

Do you have any interesting tattoos/piercings?

nope :( 

Are you afraid to grow up?

isn't everyone? 

Who were you with last night?

 myself.

Can you count past 100?

 i hope so....lol.

What language do you want to learn?

 french and latin....

Any upcoming vacations?

ino.

If you had to marry someone on your top, who would it be?

Tom

Do you care what people think of you?

 yes...but i try not to.l

Would you call yourself smart?

 brilliant even!;)

Do you like to read?

yes!! 

Have you ever touched an elephant?

 no.

Plans for tomorrow?

hopefully respite. 

Confessions:

 try me....

Is anything wrong?

 no...i mean, my mom and i have stuff to work out, but that time will come.

Would you kiss anyone on your top friends?

 of course! already have.

Would you date anyone on your top friends?

 possibly.

Do you have a good relationship with your parent(s)?

 they are not in my life right now...

What did you do for your last birthday?

 have a party thrown for me, before i possibly died...

What were you doing at midnight last night?

sleeping.

Name something you CANNOT wait forll 

 to be truly healthy and happy.

What's your favorite season?

Autumn

Have you ever talked to Tom?

in more ways than one.....

Last thing you ate/drank?

 pasta with eggplant and cranberry juice...

Have you ever ran with scissors?

 no.

Who’s making you feel the way you are right now?

 my mind.

Most visited web page?

 blogger.

Coke or Pepsi?

coke

Looking forward to something this weekend?

respite and hopefully my man... 

How many siblings do you have?

 0

Do you have any pets?

not anymore...

What's your favorite number?

 3

What are you watching right now?

 the computer screen...

Do you know how to swim?

nope.

Is good grammar attractive?

very 

Friend confessions:

 one thing i wish i had told one of my friends to slow down what she was doing, i was scared too tho. another one would be that i hate how certain people have talked down to me. 

Are you jealous of one or more of your friends?

not really anymore. 

Have you known any of your friends your whole life?

 yes...

Are any of your friends taller than you?

 yeaah i'm a shorty

Have you ever been ditched by a friend?

 yep...

Where do your friends live?

 everywhere

Have you lost or forgotten a friends phone number?

yeaah 

Have you been to most of your friends house?

yeaah 

Love confessions:

 i wish a lot of things like i wish i spoke my mind, and that i apologize to those i hurt

Do you currently like someone?

 pretty much.. 

Do you get bored of your girlfriend/boyfriend easily?

no.

Has one of your crushes ever called you self centered before?

 yeaah, i'm really not tho

Personal opinion confessions: money won't buy love or happiness, The Tea Party makes no sense what so ever!, i could never deal with having a child who has all of the "problems" I have or had, looks don't matter personality is the hottest, i don't have a type, a lot of electro music sucks..Obama is the best president since JFK, America should go to AA for that 7 step quote, I don't judge where peoplee live anymore, pre-marital sex is ok, no one should feel ashamed about what they do behind closed doors... 

Who do you want for President?

 i gott em! woot woot!

Do you think abortions are horrible?

 nott my business

Needles aren't so horrible?

 if there in a hospital...

You have plenty of secrets that you share with...?

 no one.

Other confessions:

just ask meh what u wanna know 

Do you enjoy drama?

oh very much so.. nott 

Who was the last person that said "i love you" to you?

my grandma.

8.2.2011

Once on a yellow piece of paper with green lines he wrote a poem And he called it 'Chops' because that was the name of his dog And that's what it was all about And his teacher gave him an A and a gold star And his mother hung it on the kitchen door and read it to his aunts That was the year Father Tracy took all the kids to the zoo And he let them sing on the bus And his little sister was born with tiny toenails and no hair And his mother and father kissed alot And the girl around the corner sent him a Valentine signed with a row of X's and he had to ask his father what the X's meant And his father always tucked him in bed at night And was always there to do it. Once on a piece of white paper with blue lines he wrote a poem And he called it 'Autumn' because that was the name of the season And that's what it was all about And his teacher gave him an A and asked him to write more clearly And his mother never hung it on the kitchen door because of its new paint And the kids told him that Father Tracy smoked cigars And left butts on the pews And sometimes they would burn holes That was the year his sister got glasses with thick lenses and black frames And the girl around the corner laughed when he asked her to go see Santa Claus And the kids told him why his mother and father kissed alot And his father never tucked him in bed at night And his father got mad when he cried for him to do it. Once on a paper torn from his notebook he wrote a poem And he called it 'Innocence: A Question' because that was the question about his girl And that's what it was all about And his professor gave him an A and a strange steady look And his mother never hung it on the kitchen door because he never showed her That was the year Father Tracy died And he forgot how the end of the Apostle's Creed went And he caught his sister making out on the back porch And his mother and father never kissed or even talked And the girl around the corner wore too much makeup That made him cough when he kissed her but he kissed her anyway because that was the thing to do And at 3am he tucked himself into bed his father snoring soundly. That's why on the back of a brown paper bag he tried another poem And he called it 'Absolutely Nothing' Because that's what it was really all about And he gave himself an A and a slash on each damned wrist And he hung it on the bathroom door because this time he didn't think he could reach the kitchen.

i wish...

i wish....

 i had my bellybutton and tongue peirced....

i had more earings....

i had tons of jewelry....

i had lots of money and i was on the cover of magazines.

i was tall and thin...

i was beautiful, like drop dead gorgeous....

i had an incredible boy friend.....

with tons of sexy pics on facebook....

and i was popular....

i was about to graduate college and get my bachelors degree....

i had NO medical or psych problems....

mostly i wish that my mom would understand that i'm my own person now, I can't always be by her side waiting to catch her if she falls.... and i don't expect that from her either... she just needs to realize that they're not here to help her...she created the mess....(somewhat) .... now she has to clean it up. I love her, i do. but maybe the best thing for me is to go to respit and to have no contact with ANY of my family...not because i don't love them, but i need my own time to grow, think, develop, and rejuvinate!

*and for the tiniest moment it's all not true*