Normalcy with Anxiety

I want to be normal
I want to be real
Yet this anxiety is always getting in my way
I feel angry and confused
And wronged 
I'm always going to be scared that i'll start coughing up frank red blood,
I just want to go back to work and College
With full scholarships and full class schedule
I want to take : 
English
American Literature
World Literature
English Literature
Womens Studies
History
American History
Creative Writing
Music History 
Art History
Art/Acrylics
Then:
My major will be early education 
Elementary English
I want to become a Reading and ,Writing Specialist for elementary school kids...K-3rd grade...
Then I'll go back to school to become a Pediatric Paliative Care Chaplain Rabbi.
See, I don't want to stay in the hospital or be sick, or make myself sick. I hate my anxiety and my PTSD! And my depression, which only comes when  I get really anxious. I have so many goals in my life. And sitting in a hospital bed will not get me anywhere! I'm smart and maybe somewhat "immature" for my age, okay. Somewhat agreed. But then again I'm extremely mature in the medical world. No one has any idea of what kind of hell and back i've been through. Including my mom. Even though she was next to me for most of the hospitalizations, does not mean she felt the blood pour from my mouth. Or the sweat clam over me. And especially the dreams I still have of the scariest parts of my life repeatedly playing around in a circle in my mind., 
So, why anyone thinks i pretend or "fake", breathing troubles,itching, bleeding, etc...
This i call, me being sick, or ANXIOUS! 
But I would never try to be sick.


Oh by the way, I shall become fully independent someday and become a teaching specialist and a Rabbi! <3