Keep Moving Forward

I'm scared! I don't know what to do about anything; ever! I want to be independent on one hand on the other hand I want to be with my mom. I'm so confused. I'm listening to "LET IT BE" and it is so true. I just wish I could Let It Be.... But, no one can. No one. Not even my mom. I used to think my whole family were people of magic. That they could do and fix EVERYTHING! But now I realize that is the worst lie I have ever let myself believe. And I do hate myself for that. But doesn't every kid think their mom or whomever  is the best and has some "magic" in them? It's what they want to think; not necessarily what is real.Yet, we all have that feeling sometimes.
It still doesn't help to grow up with just as many medial issues than a cancer patient. I wish I never had ANY medical problems, ever! But it's silly to dream; at least for that. I love my new heart. But I hate everything that goes with it! Such as the meds/steroids, the anxiety, PTSD, and depression. I used to be popular and thin... And a "Swellesley Girl". (That means I was popular in Wellesley with the "richies").
Now, everything is screwed up. I am homeless and have been in the hospital since forever it feels like. I was here originally for having vasculitis in my lungs. I would cough up blood. A lot of PURE< FRANK< GELATINESS < BLOOD! Yuck! I was in the MICU , six times. Five of them with intibation. I have PTSD from that too! How much more am I supposed to take of this ridiculousness.
I wish I had a Bogart from Harry Potter. And this would help me by taking what is really happening and making it into something funny. For example I would make the hospital into the circus or a funny movie in the Movie Theatre. I would make it change through the Bogart. Because that is what Bogarts do.
Or, I could pretend this is some strange kind of Wonderland and I fell  down the rabbit hole and once I slay the Jabberwocky, I will be able  to wake up and come out of the rabbit hole. Or I could be dreaming. And when I wake up I will be in my bed. Curled up with Shiloh, my beautiful black cat, or as I called her my baby black panther. I would smell my mom making her specialty vegetable stew with linguine. Yum! I would jump up, out of bed and turn on the Food Network. Then I would call my grandma. Maybe my aunt and uncle. (They would still be in a happy marriage.) I would be in the kitchen, trying to help my mom (finally) and then we would sit on the couch and have some chips and dip. Then dinner at our dining room table.
Now, I realize this is all a daydream; what I just wrote, that is. I really do love my life. Mainly because I love the people in my life. Including myself. And, I have to stop trying to rewrite my life, and just go with the flow of things. KEEP MVING FORWARD!!