If I Were "Alice in Wonderland" , these would be my thoughts...

There is the body of a snail
with the head of a worm
With a Cheetah chasing the snail-worm....

Then there is a Spaghetti Monster, or a UFO
With its mouth agape.....
Then there are some meatballs in the sky,
with a turtle smiling as he goes by...

And  look what I spot, but a frog going south
with the tail of a mouse...

Slaying the Jabberwocky is the Mad  Hatter,
Just as he drinks his coffee, not  tea!

We're in Wonderland now, Dina, not Kansas anymore!
I would probably rather meet the Wicked Witch of the West, than that stubby old, Red Queen of Hearts!

I'm laying on the grass,
beside the rabbit hole,
looking up to the sky,
as all the clouds go by...
in different shapes, in different worlds

Why can't people be more like  clouds?

Perfection Reality

perfect this
perfect that
perfects throwing up her lunch

perfect jeans
perfect  tank
all in a storage bin
from eviction
just like that

perfect hair
perfect eyes
perfect smile
every time

perfect people
perfect time
perfect job
perfect blood

perfect cough
perfect fever
perfect ride
perfect hospital

perfect MICU
perfect CICU
perfect tube
perfectly protruding from
perfectly blueish lips

perfects better
perfects sick
perfect gets her candlestick

perfects birthday is amazing
except to perfect
who is dying

 perfect day
perfect girl
perfect bloating
perfect world

perfect walking
perfect sitting
perfect standing
perfect wishing

perfect this
perfect that
perfect lost her cat

perfect this
perfect that
perfect lost a lot more than her cat....

Perfection

perfect this 
perfect that
perfect's throwing up her lunch


perfect hair
perfect eyes


perfect style 
perfect size


junior 1, maybe 2,
5'5" to 5'6"


straight hair, possibly curlettes at the bottom
chi used to straighten; of coarse


make up from Sephora
clothes with all the expensive labels


glitzy glam
party songs all day long 


when im done with  my college classes
pick up those keys


study at my besties
have a few beers,


go to the club for the night
maybe chill and have a night in with my mom,


Snuggle on the blue twill couch
with my cat Shiloh.


Perfect this 
perfect that.....


i am perfect 
and that is that....

Geoff

Geoff is my new Android phone. He is actually "pantech", but he doesnt like people to label him like that.  We go everywhere together. We have very similar thought processes, and music choices. His Pandora choices are amazing.  We love FOB! (fall out boy).  And Regina Spektor. Different spectrums of music,but similar in some ways, too. First of all, theyre both music. lol. i'm done now...

Conflict Conondrum

I WANT TO GO!
COULD I POSSIBLY BE HAPPY?
AGAIN?
HMMMM....
I'M NOT SURE?
BUT I WANT TO TRY IT...
BUT IT CAN'T BE TOO BAD?
RIGHT?
ALL I WANT IS A LIFE, MY LIFE!
<3

Normalcy with Anxiety

I want to be normal
I want to be real
Yet this anxiety is always getting in my way
I feel angry and confused
And wronged 
I'm always going to be scared that i'll start coughing up frank red blood,
I just want to go back to work and College
With full scholarships and full class schedule
I want to take : 
English
American Literature
World Literature
English Literature
Womens Studies
History
American History
Creative Writing
Music History 
Art History
Art/Acrylics
Then:
My major will be early education 
Elementary English
I want to become a Reading and ,Writing Specialist for elementary school kids...K-3rd grade...
Then I'll go back to school to become a Pediatric Paliative Care Chaplain Rabbi.
See, I don't want to stay in the hospital or be sick, or make myself sick. I hate my anxiety and my PTSD! And my depression, which only comes when  I get really anxious. I have so many goals in my life. And sitting in a hospital bed will not get me anywhere! I'm smart and maybe somewhat "immature" for my age, okay. Somewhat agreed. But then again I'm extremely mature in the medical world. No one has any idea of what kind of hell and back i've been through. Including my mom. Even though she was next to me for most of the hospitalizations, does not mean she felt the blood pour from my mouth. Or the sweat clam over me. And especially the dreams I still have of the scariest parts of my life repeatedly playing around in a circle in my mind., 
So, why anyone thinks i pretend or "fake", breathing troubles,itching, bleeding, etc...
This i call, me being sick, or ANXIOUS! 
But I would never try to be sick.


Oh by the way, I shall become fully independent someday and become a teaching specialist and a Rabbi! <3

writing....(mine)/(most)

writing is amazing.  it's an incredible outlet for people. a piece of paper is my therapist. If you are literate and not always in English, but any language, you can write. Also.... there is no such thing as "bad writing". It's yours. Your personal stuff. That cannot be bad. I love how writing can transform from one thing to another. Even become a book. A novel. Or novella. It seems silly for me to be writing about writing. But, writing, the English language, all languages, keep me in awe. I always wonder how words were created...How they evolved. You know? Anyone, reading this? Oh, well. That again is the nice thing about writing. It can be just  for you or for everyone. Poetry, haiku's lyrics, limericks, pros.... I'm in love!

Deirdre (Warmth)

Girly to a Point
Non- Huggable but Snuggler
Feeling the Warmth xxx

Jen (Dearest)

Sweetest Yet Funniest
Goofy Laugh with Best Smile
Stern and Caring Dear

Bubbly (Caitlin)

Serious Yet Silly
Tickle Me Pink Orchid FLASH!
Poised and Full of Happy Life

Calm (Pat)

Serene lovely Wave
Meditating Friend Forever 
Breathing In and Out

Losing My Religion

Losing my religion, would be the same to me as not breathing!
No religion...
No air.
Simply put.
I believe in God.
I believe in religion in general; whether you and I agree on it or not. A religion is a religion.
Including, what I believe as "Atheism".
I am Jewish.
Point Blank.
I want to become... no I will become a Rabbi someday.
A Pediatric Chaplain Rabbi.
Yes.
This is what I shall be, someday.
Once my friend asked, aren't you afraid of it?
I said, afraid of what?
And they surprisingly said, of Religion, your religion?
I said, of course not!
Why would I be?
Because you have been....well your religion has been misunderstood for so long!
Yes, like right now.
I am proud of who I am, where I come from and why.
Losing my religion would literally kill me!

Stars and Fireworks

Oh baby, Don't let me go.
I'm in America and all I see are these Fireworks and Stars!
Oh baby, curled up in your arms
We should stay here forever
'Cause we're in America,
And of all the bad and stupidity in America,
We really take for granted how safe, happy, and FREE we all are!
Fireworks and Stars all over the place.
In the midnight blue sky.
Twilight America.
I love You!

Keep Moving Forward

I'm scared! I don't know what to do about anything; ever! I want to be independent on one hand on the other hand I want to be with my mom. I'm so confused. I'm listening to "LET IT BE" and it is so true. I just wish I could Let It Be.... But, no one can. No one. Not even my mom. I used to think my whole family were people of magic. That they could do and fix EVERYTHING! But now I realize that is the worst lie I have ever let myself believe. And I do hate myself for that. But doesn't every kid think their mom or whomever  is the best and has some "magic" in them? It's what they want to think; not necessarily what is real.Yet, we all have that feeling sometimes.
It still doesn't help to grow up with just as many medial issues than a cancer patient. I wish I never had ANY medical problems, ever! But it's silly to dream; at least for that. I love my new heart. But I hate everything that goes with it! Such as the meds/steroids, the anxiety, PTSD, and depression. I used to be popular and thin... And a "Swellesley Girl". (That means I was popular in Wellesley with the "richies").
Now, everything is screwed up. I am homeless and have been in the hospital since forever it feels like. I was here originally for having vasculitis in my lungs. I would cough up blood. A lot of PURE< FRANK< GELATINESS < BLOOD! Yuck! I was in the MICU , six times. Five of them with intibation. I have PTSD from that too! How much more am I supposed to take of this ridiculousness.
I wish I had a Bogart from Harry Potter. And this would help me by taking what is really happening and making it into something funny. For example I would make the hospital into the circus or a funny movie in the Movie Theatre. I would make it change through the Bogart. Because that is what Bogarts do.
Or, I could pretend this is some strange kind of Wonderland and I fell  down the rabbit hole and once I slay the Jabberwocky, I will be able  to wake up and come out of the rabbit hole. Or I could be dreaming. And when I wake up I will be in my bed. Curled up with Shiloh, my beautiful black cat, or as I called her my baby black panther. I would smell my mom making her specialty vegetable stew with linguine. Yum! I would jump up, out of bed and turn on the Food Network. Then I would call my grandma. Maybe my aunt and uncle. (They would still be in a happy marriage.) I would be in the kitchen, trying to help my mom (finally) and then we would sit on the couch and have some chips and dip. Then dinner at our dining room table.
Now, I realize this is all a daydream; what I just wrote, that is. I really do love my life. Mainly because I love the people in my life. Including myself. And, I have to stop trying to rewrite my life, and just go with the flow of things. KEEP MVING FORWARD!!