it's all make believe, isn't it?

i'm moving forward. life is good. I saw Petie! He was my sexy/crush nurse in the MICU! He gave me a hug! sexy sexy ! lol! ;) I am now at respite, once again... I love my life....Kind of, mostly! I can't wait to get my i.d. 
Is this all make believe? It feels too good. To good to be true. I am happy. Just happy. I am exactly where I want to be! <3

orgasmic rain life!

perfect this
perfect that
i don't give a shit no more....
except....
i'm living for ME!
this crazy beautiful life
of mine
in an orgasmic rain shower
no acid rain no more, baby
no charcoal cough syrup
fuck that!
no more absolutley nothing...
no more .....
slashes on each damned wrist....
health better be mofo good!
nice piercings for my nose....
my industrial,
four tats...
mad drinks at the bar...
sex on fire!
don't give me shit!
this is my orgasmic rain life!

a slash on each damned wrist

a drip
a drop
it tips
i top
      ple over.ave been roommates....uck.....
shit....
i remember...!
           ha
                    if you had slit your wrists.....we could h....

rock a bye baby on the tree top....
when the bow breaks the cradle will.....
F
  A
      L
          L!


but really were.....

I want
to
tell
my
"mom"
I LOVE YOU!
never
   again....
no more slashes on each damned wrist!
     never a fucking gain!

*well behaved girls rarely make history*

every day, i wake up, look up, stand up, and say "wow"!
this is because i don't want to sound rude, but, "everyone loves me so much" and i'm a strong female, so i don't need permission... and well, well behaved girls rarely make history!
i love myself! i'm beautiful, and smart, like, as Elaine says, if i wasn't hospitalized so much i'd be in Harvard! i finally believe it!
i also love how... i learned that while having sitters my age, i'm friggin' regular.... !
I AM NORMAL!
and have intelligent conversations.... of course i still get anxious... but it's whatever...that's part of me!
i'm an amazing person!
and have an amazing life!
i can kill with my eyes, and kiss with my heart!
i love red heads!
i am bisexual...
i have a boyfriend/fwb :p
(he is my age, and i know him from school)
my favorite place in the world is my grandma's old house in wellesley....
my best friends include, grandma, nicole, and kaleigh..
sometimes i feel alone, even when i have everyone....
but "everyone does sometimes"...
i remember my dreams from the MICU because i want to!
i believe in the things I do, because I can!
and i'm not afraid to always be true to myself....
and I Am Damn Proud!

wordplay foreplay

every day i sit and stay,
lets play with clit today,

every where i go i see cocks
in jocks...

every time i look around...
i make heads spin "down town"

every way anyway...
gotta have it MY WAY!

Dear Mr. President,

Dear Mr. President,
Thank you for being this country's president. Thank you for being my president. You are deffinetley the best one in my lifetime! (which isn't hard)....You don't lie or cheat, gamble or drink. You don't start wars and only try to do things with violence when neccesary. We need more people like you in this world and especially this country
Honestly, I have no idea why I'm writing this...I had a conversation with a woman, who has come to America from Kenya; she adores you as well. But for different reasons, than I do. We both know you're very smart and have a good family, and really want  to do the right things for America. I bet it's hard being president of this country. More so than other counties' presidents. Basically because half of the people are for you, and the other half are not. And the "tea partiers" are just silly. You were put into the presidency, by America, because we believe in you! I believe in you! And obviously, you believe in yourself so much so, that you did make it into presidency.
Again, not quite sure why I'm writing this, but maybe because of all the people, I trust you the most. I mean, my life is in your hands... (no pressure).
Sincerley, Amanda C.

Death Be NOT Proud

In life, there are two ways to go...the good (angelic) or the bad (devilish).NOT
In talking with Rabbi Ben Lanckton, after my clear suicide attempt, I learned that God loves you. But thats not a good reason to die, but the best possible reason not to die! To live, breath. Five senses. I mean, the more I think about what happeneed the less I realize it was a "big flippin' mistake" and learn and move the hell on.org! But, seriously, I could've died. And you, I, a person should never be proud of death. In any way. In murder,suicide (be it attempt or not), anything. Death be not proud. Death always tries to overule things in books and movies, stories, etc. But in actuality, death will never rule over anything, except point blank;death.
So if it's bad to die....wait....as I was taught, only yesterday, it's not bad to die, but it's bad to kill. And suicide even an attempt is a part of killing.
I know that there truly is the love of loving yourself, is most important. Treat yourself as if you are the innocent baby you were born as. And that everyday, when you shower, you cleanse your body of the upset and "bad" of the day.
And remember, Death Be NOT  Proud!